Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Wouldn’t it be great if people could only get AIDS from being a Politician who screws with the economy and causes a Government Shutdown?

   Well, I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I am available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.

   Give a man a fish, you'll feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, you'll feed him for life. Give a octopus nunchuks and nobody's going to bother those fish again.

   My girlfriend called me lazy the other day. I almost responded

   Daffy Duck calls the hotel desk and asks for a condom. They ask "shall we put it on your bill", she says "are you thucking thupid i'll thuffocate!"......

   will never gonna figure out why they call it Miss Universe when our planet is the only one competing.

   Note to self: I think we should see other people.

   Divorce attorney: $3,500. Mediator fees: $575. Court costs: $130. Finally being legally and financially free from that former 'significant other': PRICELESS!

   Instead of tagging me in ugly pictures on Facebook, I wish you could just say "I hate you" straight to my face.

   I try to misbehave appropriately.

   When I was younger, after getting a haircut or visiting the doctor I would receive a lollipop. My tastes have not changed since then. Give me a damn lollipop.

   FYI: Real hippos at the zoo don't eat marbles. They should post a sign or something.

   You ever fire up your leaf blower and blow your neighbor's chihuahua down the street??

   So....I just heard that one of the trapped Chilean miners has both his wife AND mistress at the rescue site. Awww dude, just stay down there.........

   you should probably just let your "Honor Student" drive. You are obviously an idiot.

   likes being vague, because it's almost as fun as doing this other thing.

   Women are like police, they can have all the evidence in the world but they still want a confession.

   Not sure why my bill collector keep trippin and askin for their money...I mean as long as I owe yall money you will alwayz have a job...Hell you should be callin to thank me cuz I'm your job security....

   convinced there is NO functional family. Every family has a relative they would prefer to keep kidden. If you think your family doesn't have one...it's YOU.

   Its not a hangover - its wine flu.