Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Tip of the Day: Get your Drivers License picture taken when you're drunk, that way when you get pulled over and you're actually drunk, the cop will look at your picture and think you look normal.

   The Supreme Court has ruled that anybody can be strip-searched for any kind of arrest. That's something to think about the next time you bring 15 items into a 10-item-or-less lane.

   I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.

   Don't block all of your haters. Leave one or two so they can report back to headquarters.

   It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing

   In Canada, we start the New Year with resolutions. Trump starts with delusions.

   My friend Hugh enjoys puns about 80's music. That's what I like about Hugh.

   I've ordered and returned the same boomerang on Amazon for over a year now.

   Panties aren't the best thing in the world. But they're next to it.

   cow: [feeling sick] I have four stomachaches

   Does anyone find it the least bit curious that those ghay pedophiles known as priests live in a place called a rectory?

   If anyone wants a list of my favourite Bugs Bunny quotes, I'll send them to you in a WhatsApp doc

   Joe Biden

   I tried a striptease for my wife last night but it didn’t go well. I got my shirt stuck on my head, and by the time I got it off, she had left the room.

   I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.

   I enjoy walking in a convenience store and having the cashier ask if I got gas. “No…just a little indigestion!”

   I was gonna cook alligator for dinner, but my stove is broken and all I have is a croc pot.

   I'm endorsing Kermit the Frog for the Green Party candidate. It's about time we had a puppet regime.

   my parents didn’t raise an idiot I actually did that all by myself

   When a woman says she'll be ready in 5 minutes, think like 5 minutes left in the fourth quarter and both teams still have all of their timeouts.