Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   So after winning the game I decided to throw the ball into the crowd like they do on TV. Apparently, this is unacceptable in bowling.

   My New Years resolution for 2019 is to be more assertive if that's okay with you guys?

   I wonder what facebook employees do to kill time at work?

   Eating clean means I just took a shower and I'm heading to McDonald's..

   Check to see if your kids are asleep in their bed late at night by turning off the WIFI.

   This is ridiculous its July 8th... Neighbors are still shooting off fireworks, one almost caught my Christmas decorations on fire..

   a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon

   I.R.S.: We've got what it takes to take what you've got !"

   Don't worry about buying happiness. Try renting or leasing it to see if it's what you really want.

   I don't understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.

   Late Night Ponderings: I always wonder what the nurses reaction would be like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.

   I'm terrified when I hear something was made with "secret sauce."

   I've started visiting orgies dressed as a Ninja-Turtle! I'm really coming out of my shell these days!

   OMG I can't believe I just did that. I called someone without texting first to see if it was ok that I called them. Yikes!!!

   Not so great minds also think alike!

   My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!

   Some girl just asked me out, well she actually told me to get out of my store, but I know what she really meant

   I need a vacation that I may or may not ever come back from.

   Three things I'm grateful for, 1. Family 2. Friends 3. Caller ID to advoid family and friends.

   Why do we say that an alarm clock is going off when really it's coming on?