Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Due to the scare of Dec 21, 2012, my "Baby Boom" Prediction should be coming up right on schedule this month and in September.

   Children are often spoiled because no one will spank Grandma.

   in Ben Affleck's version of Batman. Bruce Wayne's parents kill themselves

   Lets be honest. If Ben Affleck as Batman ruined your weekend...there wasn't much to ruin in the first place.

   My crash diet just crashed face first into a bacon double cheeseburger and a large order of fries.

   I hope I enjoy not seeing The Great Gatsby as much as I enjoyed not reading the book.

   My neighbor introduced his wife to me as his better half. I returned the courtesy by introducing my wife to him as the lesser of two evils.

   I would lose weight ... But I hate losing ...

   If being sarcastic burned calories, Id look like half of an Olsen Twin.

   If you want to feel special, I have no problem handing you a helmet and a box of crayons.

   Dear Fruity Pebbles: Calorie content w/out milk is unnecessary. Anyone shoving dry Fruity Pebbles down their throat isn't counting calories.

   Ever notice that when you post something on a particular subject, facebook puts up advertising pertaining to it.........hemorrhoids, gonorrhea, g-string, sex change.....let's see what advertisement they have for those things.

   my 2012 new year's resolution is to be more optimistic by keeping my cup half-full with either rum, vodka, or whiskey.

   What happened? Are y'all ok today? FB needs a Dr. Phil button this afternoon. Half of you are Facebook bi-polar anyway....Inspirational in the morning and cursing folks out in the evening.

   Whenever you're feeling down, I'll be there to feel you up. ♥

   It takes 22 muscles to smile and 37 muscles to frown. That means I'm working out harder than you, Mr. F*cking Happy.

   I find it rude and inconsiderate that my grandchildren haven't time- traveled to come and visit me.

   WORD OF ADVICE: The key to a lasting relationship is keeping the fights clean and the sex dirty.

   When updating your status, always proof-read carefully to see if you any words out...

   Dear Booze: Just when I think nobody cares, there you are, lubricating the slide to rock bottom. WEEEEEEEEEE!