Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   thinks "survival of the fittest is absolute BS!" Have you looked around lately?

   has been kidnapped by her bed, don't worry - should be able to break free in the morning ;)

   You never know what I have up my sleeve. Today, for instance, it was a goldfish cracker.

   I'm not shy -- I'm studying my prey.

   I ain't been around the world yet...... But I've been around the sun 24 times

   That's a nice suit. When did the clown die?

   Here is to another nite I'm not going to remember..

   how does one reconcile the statements "If at first you don't succeed, try try again" and "The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting different results"?

   heard they are now powering street lamps with dog dung in Cambridge, Mass. If this is true, we should be able to plug the entire country's power grid into Capitol Hill and save a FORTUNE!

   Technically all breakfasts are continental, unless you eat them in the ocean.

   We get it, London, you're better at rioting than Vancouver, you can stop now.

   My wife gave me a wonderful birthday present. She let me win an argument.

   I believe the children are our future... and after my last trip to Wal-Mart... I believe our future looks bleak...

   The Oscars are over. From now on, any reference to "The King's Speech" should only reflect the things Charlie Sheen says.

   Facebook should change the "Friends" section to "Friends & People I've Only Made Eye Contact With".

   Jell-O: Doubling the global demand for supply of Vodka since 1923

   ... Dude, turn it down before your windows fall out.

   looking forward to all of the job opeings after the rapture happens...

   Only the brave men wear white underwear

   having people over for dinner. They asked what they could bring, I said dinner,