Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I think I'm going to buy one of those new 3D printers. Then I'll use it to print another 3D printer and then return the original printer to get my money back.

   I don't drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon

   For those of you who don't have a significant other to spend Valentine's Day with, kindly resist the temptation to brag about it.

   Happy Single's Discrimination Day #NotMyValentinesDay

   If psychics and palm readers knew anything they'd have hand washing stations.

   My wife left me because I'm too insecure. No wait, she's back. She just went to make a cup of coffee.

   If you can’t laugh at yourself, call me… I’ll do it.

   State Farm is hoping no one will notice when they replace Aaron Rodgers with a black guy.

   a free button called Block/Unfriend and Delete.... trust me those things can work miracles when it comes to dealing with drama on Fb

   If I were taller, I'd be the perfect weight. By taller, I mean 8' 11"

   Babies are so cute because none of them are mine.

   Thoughts of you make my demons nervous.

   Yes. You're Wrong: A guide for men preparing for marriage.

   Abstinence makes the arm grow stronger… at least one of them anyway.

   I call my bedroom ‘the place where the magic happens’ because it’s where I make my self-respect disappear.

   Wife giving you the silent treatment? Just tighten all the jar lids. That way she'll HAVE to talk to you.

   I finally received my W2 from Facebook

   [job interview] "So what are your goals for working here?" To be home by noon...

   Dear women, he does not want a watch for his Birthday. He wants you to dress like a hooker, handcuff him to a chair and have the kind of sex with him that would definitely upset churchgoing people.

   College kids please choose a career in something you love and you'll never work a day in your life, because that dream job isn't hiring....