Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just wrecked myself...I sure wish I would've checked myself beforehand.

   Velcro is a ripoff

   Somewhere on earth a woman give's birth to a child every 10 sec! we must find her & stop her.

   Whenever I go near a bank I get withdrawal symptoms.

   surviving this massive amount of "family time" by pretending they are mental patients and I'm their case manager.

   HEADLINE: "American stranded in Ukraine in online dating scam" - I am just glad I have never needed a date this bad.

   Don't wear skinny jeans, if you have no skinny genes.

   at Walmart buying pajama jeans for Thanksgiving dinner.

   One who can promise nothing is Worthless. One who can promise everything is full of sh!t.

   Pregnancy tests should read: You're Screwed! or Keep Screwing.

   You get to a point in life where it would be quicker to tell the doctor what isn't wrong with you than what is.

   There is no "I" in team, but there is a "U" in suck.

   That akward moment when you don't really like your crush. You like the imaginary version of them which you created in your head.

   How come I always get the fortune cookie that likes to be a smart-ass?

   I don't care how smart your phone is, it's not going to change how stupid you are.

   Women's Ass Sie Study..30% of women think their ass is too fat..10% of women think their ass is too skinny..The reminaing 60% say they dont care,they love him,he's a good man & they wouldn"t trade him for the world!

   I got arrested today for feeding some homeless guys on the street, and to top it all off, the cops broke my potato gun.

   Words don't have the power to hurt you...unless.. the person saying them means a lot to you.

   Dear extra fat on my body, You have two options, move to my boobs, or gtfo.

   For not knowing what's going on, dogs sure look embarrassed when you watch them taking a dump.