Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It is in everyone’s best interest to just keep scrolling

   Mark Zuckerberg is probably the last person we should trust, and I mean that both literally and alphabetically

   That prince in Sleeping Beauty doesn't get enough credit for kissing someone who hadn't brushed her teeth in forever

   Spice things up in the bedroom by loosening the ceiling fan.

   In my defense, my wife's text asking me to "drop a load in the washing machine" was confusing.

   Finally found my wife's G spot....... Her sister had it all along.

   Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I'm pretty sure she'll figure out that I'm just after my money.

   Will Starbucks become a homeless shelter with their new store policy?

   Me: I hate seeing you like this. Coworker: Like how? Me: In person

   I might get a job cleaning mirrors,its a job I can see myself doing.

   Teach your children and you won't have to raise your grandchildren.

   With the ban on straws what's left to grasp?

   If you think your job is pointless there's a guy in Germany installing Turn Signals on BMWs.

   I'm afraid I will get called as a witness at the impeachment hearings....I don't know anything, either.

   The National Origami championship is on television tonight. It’s on paper view.

   Movie Theater Tip: When you go to a movie the first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you, so nobody can sit there.

   I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore

   I’m really liking this social distancing rule. Can we make this law?

   If there’s one thing this lockdown has taught me; it’s that your first breakfast is the most important meal of the day.

   When a cashier hands you dollar bills back as change, hold them up to the light like they do when you pay them.