Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Tragedies are God's way of saying, "I'm not real".

   To the makers of rice cakes; thanks for nothing!

   Baby you a song, you make me wanna roll my windows down.......and puke!

   Hate is such a strong word. That's exactly why I use it.

   Some people are like water balloons, they're more fun when you throw them out the window.

   The reason they named it the "Xbox One" is they knew that it would be the only way they would hear "Xbox Won" Might as well rename it the "Xbox Done"

   Unless you're trying to change someones life for the better, you have no reason to try to be in their business

   "by day I am just a regular loser, by night I am the same loser only it’s nighttime".

   At Subway. "What kind of Sandwich would you like ?? I'll take a 6inch Tuna on Honey Oat Please. "What kind of bread"?? Honey Oat please. "What kind of sandwich "?? Tuna please.

   The "Other" mailbox folder is apparently facebook's version of "Local singles are waiting to meet you."

   See how long it takes you to get arrested in Walmart for starting a trail of gummy bears from the toy section to the bathrooms

   Remember when razors only had two blades? Or what tissue companies call the "good ol' days"?

   My face wakes up 3-4 hours after the rest of me.

   Heritage For The Blind wants me to donate my old car to them. FUNK THAT! We have enought people that can't drive that can see why the hell would I want a blind person driving.

   Listen, I don't make the rules,,, Where I come from, when you lick something and yell MINE,, it's yours.....So, ya know, get in my van please.

   Nice try fat families with stick figure people on the back of their van

   Dudes,,, If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say,,,, talk in your sleep

   I am a single mom raising 5 electronic gadgets and a couch all by myself.

   for the question "Do Amish murderers get the acoustic chair? The answer is no. They use static electricity from the carpet.

   Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”