Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Ever sat in the bus next to a stranger who smells so nice you just couldn't stop licking her neck?

   A frat house installs a retractible ceiling. “We just can't get enough Natural Light,” says its president. They hi-five for 6 straight hours

   First rule of cuddle club: It better lead to sex or you're out of the cuddle club

   I heard Cobras dance to music so I played some Justin Bieber for my pet Cobra and he bit himself and died.

   There's a difference between antisocial and antistupid.

   Axe came out with 2 new body sprays. I'm having a hard time deciding between "My mom is picking me up at 8:30" and "Can I touch your bra"

   I'd save a lot more money on car insurance if they quit spending billions on advertising.

   No offense DiGiorno, but if someone cooks a frozen pizza at home and confuses it with a person delivering a pizza, they might be insane.

   I just burned 1200 calories! I forgot about the batch of cinnamon rolls in the oven!

   Seeing my ex with a new guy doesnt upset me.. My mother taught me at a young age to give me used toys to the less fortunate.

   the wife asked what the white stuff on my peni$, told her it was asprin for her headache and asked if she wanted it orally or suppository..

   The average human uses less than 10 percent of the remote.

   A fun thing to do to a friend that was drinking and driving is to put a sneaker on the windshield wiper the next morning.

   Im not saying you are a $lut but you were fired from the $perm bank for drinking on the job.......

   I Say: A Joke is like s*x. Not good if you don't get it

   Porn paints a extremely unrealistic picture of how quickly you can get a plumber over to your house.

   Always be sure to keep a good Facebook profile picture.This will be the photo plastered allover the news when something goes horribly wrong.

   How many "friend-zoned" guys does it take to change a light bulb? None they'll just compliment it and get pissed when it won't screw.

   Nothing says "I mean business" like using a shopping chart at the liquor store.

   When my boss asks me if I can "take a stab at this", I always hope she'll point to that coworker we all hate.