Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If I were Superman, I'd forget about Lex Luthor, and instead, beat the living $hit out of every a$$hole who's ever abused a child.

   my opinion on forced birth control has changed after watching one episode of Honey Boo Boo.

   I rubbed my cats back and forth on the carpet for ten minutes, now they can shoot lightning out of their eyes, They're running around playing laser tag.

   Was it THAT wrong writing, "To my sweet little Butter Face" on my girlfriend's Birthday card?

   if you don't believe in oral sex, keep your mouth shut

   I don't get it, what's the big deal with texting and driv

   Seriously its 2013, no one laughs at a joke, you just say LOL or like it and move on, we got no time to laugh.

   I'm sick of hearing about Lance Armstrong. Is he telling the whole truth? My solution...Have Taylor Swift date him for two weeks and then wait for her next album, the whole truth will be revealed!

   I wish cancer would get cancer and die.

   BJ’s after marriage are like Big Foot. Heard of but never seen…

   I love you, babe, of course you can get whatever you want...whoa, whoa, let's keep it on the dollar menu, though, ok?

   This is probably a stupid question, but when my cat shows me her butthole, am I supposed to touch or lick it?

   Women say they love nerds until you whip out your Pokemon cards.

   Fun things to do in Walmart: Take the ''try me'' stickers off of the toys & place them on condom boxes.

   9 months before I was born, I went to a party with my dad, and left with my mom.

   How do you find Will Smith in a snowstorm? Look for The Fresh Prints.

   Cut off fake people for real reasons, NOT real people for fake reasons.

   last night the ghost of Gloria gaynor oke me from my sleep.....at first I was afraid I was petrified

   We need the children of Indonesia and the Philippines to manufacture our freedom of choice.

   Have you ever had one of those moments when you look up and realize that you're one of those people you see on the train talking to themselves?