Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I consider any gun that is pointed at me and fired with the intent to harm me to be an assault weapon.

   I just rubbed my cat back and forth on the carpet for 10 minutes,,, and now he can shoot lightning bolts out of his mouth.

   "I can't because I'll be watching the NFL Pro-Bowl", said NO ONE EVER!!

   why did I never realize a mustache is just a mouthbrow...

   I LOVE putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They're so warm and cozy! I HATE when the lady in the laundromat tries to take them back! :(

   Dominos selling subs is like Subway selling pizzas, stop it. Nothing is gonna make us forget that your pizza tastes like crap.

   I’m having fruit salad for dinner. Well, it’s mostly grapes actually. Okay, all grapes. Fermented grapes. I’m having wine for dinner.

   Instead of John I call my bathroom Jim, that way it sounds better when I say I went to the Jim first thing this morning.

   It's always the rednecks that know all the inner most conspiracies of the government

   jealousy is an ugly color on you... and while I am at it, so are tangerine, teal and turquoise.

   The problem with some people is that they’re alive.

   I would unfriend you but I enjoy laughing at your life.

   Nicki Minaj being a judge on American Idol is like Taylor Swift giving relationship advice.

   A "wifey type" has nothing to do with rolling blunts/cooking.. It's more like a woman that takes care of you, loves you & stands by ur side

   Beyonce might be hot but underneath all thatt hair there will always be a little rubber band ball of nap.

   took you to dinner,a movie,then for drinks,get back too your house then tell me you have your period (・_・)ノ”(ノ_<)

   Girls fall in love with what they hear... Guys fall in love with what they see. That is why girls wear makeup, and guys lie!

   Thank you Pringles® for being the only chip company that doesn't sell air.

   Tips for Guys on Valentine's Day: Tell your girl you already got somethingn and make her guess. She'll automatically list things she want.

   Here are my 4 favorite quotes: " " " "