Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Wife: YOU ARE LOST, GO ASK FOR DIRECTIONS Me: *swallows pride, walks into gas station*... Excuse me sir, do you know where "the clitoris" is

   If you're happy and you know it.......you're probably single.

   My wife is sick. My daughter won't sleep. Money's tight. If my car doesn't start in the morning, I'll have a country song.

   I've perfected the confused look for when my credit card's declined.

   Waking up to Monday is kinda like the Mayans being right.

   I just fell down the stairs holding a guitar and accidentally wrote a One Direction song.

   you can't call a show Golden Globes and then show a bunch of skinny girls!!

   Just once I would love to get a junk email that read..."P*nis englargment?? No way dude! You are set! Forget I even sent this message." Is that too much to ask???

   1) Jodie Foster never spoke the word g ay. 2) If you didn't already know she was g ay, you're an idiot...

   You need one of those jackets that make you hug yourself real tight!

   Scientific fact: Laughing for 10 minutes adds 1 day to your life. You're welcome all my future 120 yr old FB friends!!!

   Getting Sticky Buns from a bakery is awesome. Getting Sticky Buns from the toilet seat at work... not so much ツ

   I keep putting things in the wrong containers in the kitchen. I don't think it's Alzheimers. That's a different kettle of fish...

   Today's big idea - Coffee eye drops

   Today's 2nd big idea: Low fructose corn syrup.

   I'm watching that episode of The Cosby Show where Theo poisons Rudy because he's jealous of her moustache

   Hey Canada,,, Are you sure those were YOUR geese?.. They weren't as polite and well mannered as I would expect

   You know you are in deep financial crisis when you wife is giving you Bl@wjob just because you can't afford to buy yogurt.

   Jingle Jangle With The Camel, is my favourite Arab Movie.

   If there is a draw on ITV's Splash, it will go into sudden death. Michael Barrymore will host. (What, too soon?)