Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My girlfriend doesn't like it when I talk about her weight, she thinks it's a heavy subject

   it true that every girl is a patron bottle away from a lesbian experience? Because they have that sh!t on sale at Costco right now.

   It's all fun and games untill someone spills bong water on the last slice of pizza!

   Priscilla Chan is to Mark Zuckerberg as Yoko Ono is to ...

   My ideal location to propose would be The Grand Canyon Skywalk...that way if she says "No'' I'll just push her over the bridge.

   girl I'm friends with on Facebook recently broke up with her boyfriend and now I know all the lyrics to Taylor Swift's first cd

   Give a woman an inch and she'll laugh while telling all of her friends...

   That embarrassing moment when you shoot a three pointer at a dustbin and miss.

   "Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife" [groom looks at bride], groom says "Is this the only time you never answer for me in front of everybody?"!

   when the therapist asks about your relationship with your parents, just say "non sexual" that will answer them and keep them quiet for $100 an hour!! Well worth the facial expressions.

   I see Walmart is opening a dental office in select stores. I wonder if they will have an express lane for people with 10 teeth or less

   The saddest part of the recession is all of the laid-off workers at the C+C Music Factory

   I heard you're a player. Nice to meet you, I'm the coach

   Whenever women make fun of me because I'm poor, it really hurts. Iv'e been poor my whole adult life. I can't help it if I have an earning disability

   Nothing is worse than biting into a hot pocket than when your two front teeth slice through a gritty frozen meat ball.

   If anybody is interested in a job where you sit and drink beer, 3 hours a day, 2 days a week, for $8000 a week, contact me. We can look together.

   Facebook stock continues to lose value, in fact it's so bad, finally the farmville farms are going into foreclosure.

   Did anyone else think that we would be living like the Jetson´s by now?

   so, when two dudes marry, do they both stop giving BJ's??

   There is no relationship I treasure more than my bond with my recliner. We go waaaayyy back!