Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just found out I lost my concealed weapon permit, this means I can no longer wear pants in the state of Texas!

   Whenever you see the words" SUGAR-FREE" or "FAT-FREE" Tthink of the words chemical sh*t storm.

   SCARY BUT TRUE: statistics show that everyone who's ever used a cell phone will die.

   How is the show "Deadliest Catch" not about AIDS?

   I gave my wife a gluestick instead of chapstick last weekend and she's still not talking to me.

   It's depressing to think how much more Dora the Explorer has seen and done in her life compared to mine.

   Golf ball sized hail wouldn't be so destructive if we just made golf balls a lot smaller.Do I have to think of everything?!

   Apparently alcohol contains female hormones. After you drink enough, you can't neither drive nor shut the hell up

   A dog asks a cat "How come I've never seen you cats making love in public?" The cat replies, "Do you want humans to steal our style like they did yours?"

   I currently have six quarters jingling in my front left pocket designated as "spares".

   Wanna have a happy relationship? Try switching your gf's lipstick into gluestick!

   Money :::: humans are the only species that have to pay to live on earth..

   When I was little I didn't care about things like what to wear, my parents dressed me. Looking back at some of my old pictures, it's obvious that my parents didn't care either.

   If you're looking to work 2 hours a day, 3 days a week for about $1000 a week please contact me!!! We can look for it together.

   White chicks will make themselves deep throatt the dikk, black chicks get to a certain limit like "I can't do this"

   I am inventing a paint that is the same color and texture as bug guts because I don't like to wash my truck...

   My buddy just told me that I jump every time my girlfriend says jump. That's just stupid, I'm white and everyone knows white men can't jump.

   I wish the first rule of Christianity was exactly the same as the first rule of Fight Club.

   The best revenge for your EX, is inviting them to your wedding :)

   I have give myself a pat on the back. I've been workin' with Ms. Know-it-all for almost two years... and she is still breathin'. :)