Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You don't truly know someone until you see how they react to their bag of chips getting stuck in a vending machine.

   eHarmony should be more like Amazon for those sad lonely people. "Customers who slept with Tina172 also slept with LuvinLife_83, TaintMisbehavin, and Cat_Lover03."

   I feel sorry for kids that behave in public because you know they get beat at home a lot.

   My co-worker informed me that people raised with manners say “Please” and “Thank you.” So I responded “Please, shut the f*ck up, thank you.”

   All these idiots that attended my Elvis Impersonation Show wants their money back but I had on the correct sun shades and costume AND I WAS LYING PERFECTLY STILL IN THE CASKET....... so, SCREW 'EM

   Avoid arguments on facebook with someone who types faster than you...

   I found out two things last night. 1. Sometimes bowel movements float. 2. My neighbors have a new hot tub

   I guess firefighters really get pissed when you call and say your house is on fire and when they show up, you just want your pool filled for the season...

   Marriage lets you annoy one special person for the rest of your life:)

   There are many benefits of being fat over being skinny. Take Buddha, for instance, he was too heavy to be put on a cross, so they told him to just sit there, quietly.

   It's nice finding people from our past. I'm still trying to find the girl from elementary school that couldn't stop sucking her thumb.

   It was like throwing a hotdog down a hallway.

   : I farted while lifting a heavy object today. It was very embarrassing. I had to apologise to the man at the next urinal.

   If some of you all put your heads together..We would only get some dandruff.

   using Scotch Blue Painter's tape instead of Duct Tape because she wants it rough, yet romantic.

   MY girlfriend says I'm too immature for her. I'm still trying to figure out how she got past my force field.

   It's Friday night... So many innocent beers have no idea what's coming for 'em.

   I think cops should yell "PICKACHUUUUUUUUUUUUU!" before they taze someone

   Absence makes the heart grow fonder...but Abstinence makes the arm grow stronger.

   Kanye West should open a breakfast restaurant called "Omelette You Finish"