Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Ugh, I hate my voice on tape. It always sound so r@cist.

   I just never wanna get "make my own belt holes" fat.

   n't it ironic that I hate math, but I love counting money.

   :If I had a penny for every time someone called me a retard... Well... My sh!t would probably be full of half digested pennies.    

   Must be a 3 year old on the loose in these here parts.

   Men may have created fire but women have discovered the art of playing with it.

   :I'm so white I get uncomfortable saying knickers with a hard 'r'.

   When someone gives you their futon, they are basically saying "you should sleep where my girlfriend got pregnant by some other dude".

   Scientists have now confirmed that aliens do exist and in fact could be living next door to you as humans. So I shot the hot woman who just moved in next door 'cause her ass was definitely outta this world.

   I hate people who use mad gay phrases that rhyme, like "What's shaking bacon?" it makes me go insane in the membrane. 

   Mobile sex: push 1 for oral, 2 for anal, 3 for normal, 4 for a trio, 5 for SM and for everything ... dial my number!

   I think I should tell you what people are saying behind your back.……. Nice Ass!!

   This table is a bit wobbly, one of the legs appears to be shorter, Luckily I have just been given a copy of the new album by Nickleback

   It turns out Donna Summers lied, She Wont Survive....

   Friendly Advice: If you run out of Chapstick, just use chicken sh!t. It doesn't help your chapped lips, but it keeps you from licking them.

   If you drink enough, your brain starts photoshopping people.

   Keep it up and you will die pretty early in the book I'm writing.

   The cop thought I was texting and driving so I pulled down my pants and showed him why I was smiling at my crotch.

   I have heard of women that aren't crazy, but I've also heard of Unicorns.

   Wise man:"Some girls beg, some girls borrow. Some girls lead & some girls follow. Some bring joy & some bring sorrow, but the best girls just suck & swallow!"