Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   you're an overweight female who wears Yoga Pants everyday? Please continue to do so, I love throwing up in my mouth

   BoObs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.

   Signing off, my Wife says I need to finish my bath. Peace out Peeps

   White Parent: *Knock Knock* May I Come In? Blck Parent: *BOOM BOOM* OPEN UP DIS GOT DAMN DOOR, you DONT PAY NO BILLS TO BE LOCKIN DOORS

   "We would have broke-up alot sooner, but we have 46 mutual Facebook friends and a bunch of new restaurants were opening up..."

   The First rule of Premature Ejaculator's Club is don't talk about..Ooooooh God! Unnnggh! Uh ooooohhhh ...anyone have a cigarette I can have?

   According to a study on How to Avoid Being Defriended on Facebook: Science Unlocks the Secret..... Dont Be An A**, Yes its as simple as that !

   Thinking back on my life I've ridden a donkey down the grand canyon, not a big deal. The fact I sustained an erection the whole time humming the Bonanza theme probably IS!

   facebook is for fun and entertainment and I Don't ever want any of you to take offense at me asking you to kiss my butt, It's all tongue in cheek fun :)~

   Paddle Faster I think I Hear Banjos !

   Eating Healthy is a pain in the ass, all this cutting and chopping and cooking and Milking and pasteurizing. next time I want fresh steaks and milk I'm going to the dam store to get it !!

   Local News: Woman finds cocaine stuffed inside tampons she bought in a Utah closeout store. That's just crazy, period!

   I just saw a woman lick her Cell Phone screen. I'm assuming to clean it since I don't know where she would've gotten any pics of me!

   Someone just used my dead end street to turn around and now I'm standing outside with two open beers and a lonely face :(

   one mans trash is another mans girlfriend

   Can't believe Toys R Us closed down in the city. Now where am I to get my Nerf bullet refills? I have an inflatable family to protect dammit !!

   Today My doctor was checking my Balls for lumps but the Doctor said I crossed the line and it was very awkward when I ran my fingers through her hair... Again how is it that I crossed the line and she didnt???

   I got a bit drunk last night and now I just got woke up by a lawnmower!!! I don't know who the hell it is but they have to mow around me I an NOT moving!

   You should Go Ahead and live life with regrets because the more bad decisions you make tonight the better your Facebook Posts will be tomorrow!

   If I Can See It, Smell It, Or Pee On It, It Belongs To Me!! ~ I Got The Big Dog Attitude Today!.. Or It Can Also Be Called I Just Had 2 Beers Attitude!