Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I saw a monarch butterfly today, what made it so special is the fact that it was the first time it wasn't stamped on some stripper's ass.

   ATTENTION !! Today has just been Upgraded to ... FRISKY FRIDAY !!! Thank you...

   I don't even know why I look in the back seat of my car when I get in at night.Like the killer is going to scream 'Oh crap! you saw me, retreat!

   B!tch If you can't fit your tweet into 140 characters, maybe you should shut the hell up.

   Black person: Jeans $200, Shirt $100, Shoes $160, pockets.. $0 White Person: Jeans $15, Shirt $20, Shoes $30, pockets $5,000"

   Dear ladies, Not trying to impress you or anything, but I make my own sandwiches.

   You know you're in America when you can buy replacement cartridges of ink for $29.25, or buy a brand new printer with ink for $39.95.

   I told my roommate this morning if my dinner isn't on the table when I get home from work he's gettin the beating of his life. Then I hid the table

   Finally the world sees that Arizona's immigration law is no different from the federal law. It is just that the Feds don't want the law enforced. Bring it on 1.6 billion a yr can be spent on Arizonans instead.

   Calories: Tiny creatures that live in your closet and sew your clothes a little tighter each

   #HoodTranslations101: "Sh*t just got real" = The situation has escalated to the highest point of seriousness & is no longer a laughin matter

   I told the monster in my closet that if he came out of the closet he would be gay. Problem solved! #Winning

   This drug sniffing dog was a great investment! He already found 2 bags of weed I thought I had lost!

   HoodTranslations101: "I'm chillin tonight bruh" - My current financial situation will not allow me to partake in the festivities tonight.

   I think the guy that misspelled "Ghost" actually wanted to write "Goat's soap"

   I'm in a band, you've probably seen our posters. We're called missing cat.

   I wasn't sure why the doctor prescribed LSD for my constipation, until I saw a f@#king dragon and sh!t myself.

   Just ate the last bit of food in my lunch box, this overtime now officially sucks!!!!

   You can take that thumb, and shove it up your A$$.

   I went to an Alcoholics Anonymous class today and introduced myself to 12 other people. When I walked out I was no longer anonymous but was still an alcoholic?