Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.

   Alcohol is like a push-up bra for your personality.

   Women are as horny as men; they just hide their b0ners better.

   Oops, Accidentally bumped into my neighbour's car....... With a baseball bat and a claw hammer.

   Did you know if you watch Twilight backwards, it's still sh!t?

   Dogs are tough I tell you...... I've been interrogating this one for hours and he still won't tell me who is a good boy.

   James Harden's head trying to hurt Metta World Peace by hitting him in the elbow was just uncalled for!

   People say that my analogies are as bad as a candle on a forklift.

   Man-Flu is more painfull than childbirth. This is a scientific fact*. *(based on a survey of over 100,000 men.)

   the fact that she loves anal is awesome...I just wish she'd layoff the hot peppers!

   I'm the kind of person that laughs at my own status updates before I post them... because i'm just too damn funny!

   you know....they say one in every four men are gay....so there must be one in my group of friends.....I hope it's Michael, 'cuz he's super cute....

   My decision making skills closely resemble that of a squirrel when crossing the street.

   If you ever actually see me smiling at my desk it means I'm stretching out my genit@ls into different animal shapes.

   I didnt know that world peace meant elbows to the head...

   Nicki Minaj shut down her twitter account saying “A voice in my head told me to delete my Twitter and that's what I did,”Can that same voice tell Justin Bieber to do it also..

   I use the word Ni66a so I dont offend any ninjas!

   I organized a threesome last night....there were a couple of no shows, but I still had a good time

   Some people grunt at the gym; I scream at the top of my lungs THEY KILLED MY FAMILY as I lift weights.

   Newton's Third Law of Emotion: For every male action, there is a female overreaction.