Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Tax question: Is it technically considered cheating if you claim your 200 facebook followers as dependents?

   A study found alcohol makes men better at problem solving, which is good news unless your problem is alcoholism.

   I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.

   I like to ask the waiter, "What do you recommend?" then stare him down while I order something completely different.

   The workin man blues, is being wide awake before 5am on your day off.

   Saturday... When adding whiskey to your coffee is NOT frowned upon.

   Please take the time to get to know me via my Facebook page. I think you'll like what you find. For example, I can type.

   I've said it before and I'll say it again: I've said it before and I'll say it again.

   I went to walmart today... I got the cart with three wheels and a hoof.... This always happens to me.

   That chili I ate last night is causing gas bubble noises to occur in areas of my body that were previously believed to be solid chocolate

   Omg! I cant stand waiting in lines.... I wish this woman would hurry up and pick a suspect.

   if I could find a way to implement my voice ignition system with my micro-filament omni directional jet grid and combine it with an anti gravity quantum state lift disc, I could then sustain a magic riding carpet with voice guidance.

   Ladies: Before you marry a guy, ask yourself, "will he be a good killing partner during the zombie apocalypse?"

   Rose are red, Violets are blue, Babe you're single, Cause I am dumping you.

   hi say 2 wanted just I that out find you when irritating very it find may you... CONFUSED?? Now read it backwards..

   Before I lose my phone, end up naked, high, drunk and/or possibly arrested, I would like to wish all a Happy Saturday!

   You have to be one thing or the other because if you're always about to be something then you're nothing.

   Took 2 benedryl last night. When I woke up, my best friend was missing, and Mike Tyson's tiger was in my bathroom.

   At 24 Hour Fitness. Trying to get them to stay open an extra hour so I can really take things to the next level.

   Guys, if I'm singing a show tune with my pants around my ankles, that means I'm occupying at least three urinals, okay? Don't be creepy!