Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When I go to Twitter and it says "Something is technically wrong" I think that's probably the most accurate statement ever.

   Cop: "Sir, what's in the bottle next to you? Me: "It's water" Cop: "Sir, this is wine" Me: "What? Damn Jesus! He always plays this prank on me!"

   I'm glad thought bubbles aren't visible, or else people would think I'm a complete psychopath,

   Coffee shops should have a separate line for mufuckas who are late for work.

   The world is not full of a$$holes. BUT, they are strategically placed so that you are sure to bumb into at least one every day.

   When talking with a woman in her 30s, it's super important to always pretend to be shocked when she tells you she's in her 30s.

   If anyone lost a roll of hundred dollar bills, with a rubber band around it...... I found the rubber band.

   A few of you are upset with me for not removing my facial hair. Not sure why because your not the ones kissing me on the lips. But I am willing to make a compromise. So I will be removing some hair on my right a$$ cheek just in case.

   I bet karate experts have a tough time convincing their enemies to lie down flat between two cinder blocks.

   We will flip a coin to determine our future. Head, we will be together. Tail, we will flip again.

   I saw a piece of s$it on the ground yesterday. It reminded me of you.

   I will rip my teeth out removing a price tag off a new shirt before I look for scissors.

   Coffee shops should have a separate line for people who are late for work.

   People are instagraming their tweets so they can upload it to facebook....technology these days

   A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort,, it is equal to one night.. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.

   Oh, you're dating my ex...I thought the five second rule was for food only...

   I was thinking about becoming a comedian, but I don't think I'm sad enough.

   Dubstep is just dance music with Touretts Syndrom.

   Stay out of my dreams if you're not going to be there when I open my eyes

   Every time I see the car commercial with the family singing Crazy Train, I wonder if Ozzy Osbourne thinks to himself, "Azsedgbhnmiolp!"