Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Pictures of the Queen naked....Oooops! This isn't Google.....

   My wife and I like to play this little game where we both see something that needs to be put away, but we leave it out to see how long it takes the other one to do it. She doesn't seem to enjoy it as much as I do.

   sure buy a lot of alcohol. Hope I'm not a shopaholic.

   Be thankful for Facebook, the way gas prices are headed we may never actually see each other again.

   Even that crack on the wall becomes more interesting when you're meant to be studying.

   Crushed ice, needs to be placed higher on a pedastool.

   'Erotic Thriller' always sounds better than 'Terrible Film.'

   Nothings worse than Single BicheZ talkin bout they Wife Material.. Thats like saying you Management material but Unemployed!

   Told the 7-11 clerk if I win on this lotto scratcher, I'd share. Now here I stand, $2 richer, trying to explain to him I lied.

   I am really getting tired of everytime I go out people use me for my body. You know, to shade them from the sun and all.

   The ability to get Pregnant is a Genetic trait. Scientific evidence shows that if your Parents never had any Children then neither will you...

   For God's sake! It would be nice if people with lazy eyes would put a Post-it flag on the eye they want me to look at when we're talking... I keep switching back and forth..

   It took a Jimmy Carter to give us a Ronald Reagan!

   I sleep naked, I don't care what the stewardess say's.

   If you're STUPID enough to vote for someone because of a celebrity endorsement plese delete yourself from my friends list...Thank you.

   If you don't think anyone loves you or cares about you, gimme me a call...I'll confirm that for you! (The Confirmation Service, 1-800-I-CONFIRM)

   Hard to believe we once all had phones physically attached to a wall. When it rang we'd pick it up without knowing who was calling… And it did not send or receive text messages... How Amazing! We all survived those times and we're still alive…

   I did 10 one arm push-ups this morning, I was trying to get up off of the floor this without putting down my beer.

   It's a Good thing Tim Tebow is a mobile Quarterback because Denver is gonna move his Ass out.

   I want to go to Australia so I can wear shorts with a cowboy hat yet remain straight.