Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My advice to Charlie Brown or any kid who wants more friends; don't tell people your dog is a WWI flying ace

   When people tell you things "as your friend", that means they hate you and want to destroy you.

   as nervous as a long tailed cat in a room full of rocking chair!!!

   I just lost another hour trying to figure out how to reset the clock in my car.

   I'm so tired, I just spent 5 minutes trying to figure out how to vote for Ron Paul on the self-checkout machine at the grocery store.

   I think I invented some new kama sutra moves trying to reach the remote without getting up.

   There's got to be an easier way to get vodka into a Capri Sun.

   Virginity can be cured.

   When I was born, I was given a choice - a big pecker or a good memory.... I don't remember what I chose. - Andy Rooney

   i just spelled a word so incorrectly that spell check just enrolled me back into school

   People just dont get practical jokes any more, prank calls, super glue on the toilet, the electic toaster in the bath... Sigh

   They say lethal injection causes no pain. How do they know?

   Do you know what I think is alarming?.... Clocks.

   Don't fight stupidity with anger, fight it with sarcasm. Much more fun

   drugs, sex and music doesn't solve any problems, but if you think again, neither does milk

   Have you heard they came out with a "NEW" Seven Dwarfs? Moody, Pissy, B*tchy, Tipsy, Clutzy, Crabby and his twin Crappy. They all live in my house cleverly disguised as my family! Want to come over?

   just purchased a very effective piece of weight loss equipment...its called a hula hoop

   I said to a fat girl today, "You're a big girl!" She replied, "Tell me something I don't know." I said, "Salad tastes good."

   At the airport heading off to spring break. TSA hassling me about my suitcase full of wet t-shirts.

   My greatest fear on Monday is greeting someone and asking someone how their weekend went and they actually telling me every mundane details about it.