Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I sure hope Flavor Flav remembered to set his clocks forward!

   I Wish they could take my sex longevity, bottle it and sell it

   No Gramma, It's not the Oompah Loompah show, it's Jersey Shore.

   Boogity Boogity Boogity... Lets go racing boys!!!!

   Today, A 12 year-old came up to me and said "May I please have a cigarette?". I can't believe kids this age are already so polite.

   Look you asked me to be your childs Godfather so don't get pissed at me because I taught him how to break knees and collect debts.

   I miss Sunday afternoon football. The people living in this house keep trying to speak to me.

   M&M's totally melt in your hand.

   Coffee, you're on the bench. Alcohol, suit up.

   if you havin kony problems I feel bad for you son, he snatched 99 children and your post saved none.

   Does anyone know where I can get a new lease on life? The one I have isn't working out.

   Help! I'm an heiress trapped in the life of a peasant.

   I hope daylight savings time hasn't thrown you off your schedule of doing nothing

   Coffee , you're on the bench ..... Beer , suit up , you`re on .........

   (-_(-_(-_(*-_-)_-)_-) (>^_^)> }¡{ Dammiit Dude quit chasing that butterfly & get back over here

   I was a real stud in bed last night. We started having sex at 1:57 am and finished at 3:05 am.

   Never, ever be ashamed of what you are. I'M not ashamed of what you are.

   Who cares what Dr. Oz says? He used to be a Wizard, now he's only a Doctor. Screw that loser. He's clearly on the way down.

   I haven't changed my clock since last year so today my clock is finally right!

   Gotta love the siri iphone 4. My friend farted in the car and siri new we had pizza..!!