Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A new study shows the 'doggie position' is the most common sexual position used by married couples... the Husband sits up and begs while the Wife rolls over and plays dead.

   I wonder if Sonics is making any extra business with all of this "Koney" talk. I ain't gonna lie, when I first heard that name I thought of a chili cheese coney... #fat thought

   Some people say I dream too much, I say its just because my life is better than their dreams are.

   The ABC's to a good marriage: Air conditioning, Beer, Could you shut up for a damn minute so I can enjoy my air conditioning & beer?!!

   stuffing a hula hoop in a cereal box so my kids have memories of cool prizes like me

   To all the women around the world...Happy International Women's Day!

   Dropped my wallet today & a homeless guy chased me down to give it back. I was so moved I took out all of my money & gave him a free wallet.

   Today marks the 98th celebration of International Womens Day... It only took them 240+ years to perfect the sandwich from when it was invented.

   Today I'm announcing that I still can't afford the first iPad.

   The iPad 3 can s@ck my d!ck! No, really, they just announced that as a feature!

   Women, your future is bright... Once you perfect driving we will have something else to celebrate... Too bad it's never going to happen!

   I dont get it, no one complains when Madonna and Angelina Jolie steal black kids from africa.

   Am I REALLY the only person who thought that the national anthem's opening line was "Jose can youuu see!"  up until last year? Seriously?!!

   The New ipad (3) These aren't the Droids your looking for..!

   Life is like a dry handjob. Sometimes it's painful, sometimes it's enjoyable, most of the time it's hard, but mostly your just happy it keeps going.

   Lol ......Prescription drugs are killing everybody not street drugs wake up people

   нαρρу ωσмєиѕ ∂αу тσ υѕ gяσωи вєαυтιfυℓ ωσмєи!!! :D ♡

   I think I've got Bieber Fever. Wait, wait, no, it's Ebola. What a relief!

   Newt Gingrich wins Georgia. To be fair, it was a pie-eating contest.

   Helping my oldest with History homework is a blast.....Underground railroad??? honey we call that a "Subway"