Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   whenever your bored send this text to a random number.. "I hid the body."

   Young guys with beards are always secretly sad when you talk to them & don't compliment their beard.

   going to the bar horny is like going grocery shopping on an empty stomach, you always come home with more than you needed

   for fun text the last person you slept with and say "im pregnant, dont worry I'll contact Maury for us"

   It's scary to think nothing can kill that 0.01% germ.

   INTERNET: Can't get your homework done with it, can't get your homework done without it.

   You're a true 90's kid if you've ever heard someone say "Get off the phone, I have to use the Internet."

   I may be Schizophrenic.......but at least I have each other.

   The way I see it, EVERY Friday is Good Friday.

   had a run in with a pit bull, once they get a hold they jus wont let go until you're just a quivering and screaming like a girl.....the dog was fine, it was the owner who ripped me to shreds defending the breed.

   If you think your wife has a great sense of humor, try leaving a trail of rose petals leading to a sink full of dirty dishes. #fail

   Sometimes, I drive by the schoolyard and scream "STOP WASTING YOUR TIME!" to white kids playing basketball.

   Can you smell that? That's fresh-brewed coffee mixed with Friday...delicious!

   Due to the ever changing musical landscape, we may never know who rocked the party that rocked your body.

   Too late to hunt buffalo, too early to fight robots, what a d!ckless generation I was born into.

   Ashes to Ashes, Dust to Dust, Life is short, so PARTY we must

   Okay, let's get this straight. There's no way EVERYONE has the best boyfriend in the world.

   I found the vodka… it was hiding in the orange juice!

   i was thinkin about adoption to fill the void in my life, if only I could find someone willing to adopt me..

   To be loved is to be fortunate, but to be hated is to achieve distinction. Thanks haters.