Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   That high horse you think you're sitting on, is really a low donkey.

   going to the stripclub and not getting a lapdance is like going to disneyland and not getting the mickey mouse ears

   My extra sensitive toothpaste doesn't like it when I use other toothpastes.

   Ahhhh My Facebook wall filled with pics of new lap tops, cellphones, cameras and countless trips to the tattoo parlor. There is either a sale at Walmart or its Tax time in America!

   I feel bad for people that dont drink, because when you wake up in the morning thats the best your going to feel all day.

   It's claimed Macaulay Culkin's health problems are linked to a difficult childhood. No sh1t. His parents forgot to take him on holiday 4 times.

   Women need to relax and stop worrying so much about their bodies. Men aren't picky! Unless you're chubby or have a wrinkle or something.

   If you were to start a summer camp for kids with ADHD, is it politically incorrect to call it a concentration camp?

   just reading this article on body language, and I was really surprised at how much you can tell about a person just by there hands. For example, if you're trying to talk to someone, and their hands are around your neck, then they probably slightly upset

   wanna hear a joke? valentines day.

   do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.

   tonight I'm gonna party like it's $19.99 (recession joke).

   swears that my pillow must be a hair stylist because I wake up every morning with the weirdest hair dos

   Even this straight jacket can't stop me from updating my status.

   I wouldn't say I'm an alcoholic. I'd slur it.

   Valentines Day is next week! Or Tuesday, as I refer to it.

   Does anyone else think that when Tolkien wrote "Do not meddle in the affairs of wizards for they are subtle and quick to anger" he just substituted "Wizard" for "Women"?

   To make sure your neighbor knows it was their car alarm that went off, it can be helpful to put a cinderblock through their windshield.

   The Bible says, "Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife." It doesn't say anything about the one who lives across town.

   My girlfriend is out with her husband tonight. Of all the nerve!