Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   (Q): What is the difference between a prostitute, a girlfriend and a wife. (A): Prepaid, post paid and unlimited plan.

   This just looks cool - me standing in the club with a cup that has NO ALCOHOL ON IT!

   What has 75 balls and screws little old ladies? Bingo

   Part-time christians are out in full force being a Sunday and all.

   to love or not to love....theres no question :-)

   By the time a woman realizes her mother was right, she has a daughter who thinks shes wrong.

   It's funny when my wife gives me the 'silent treatment'. Because she thinks it's a punishment.    

   Patriots by 7. This is my pick for the Superbowl. And for any future U.S. revolutionary wars.

   Just wrote "calculator" on a boob.

   You never realize what you have till its gone... Toilet paper is a good example

   If you pay a 55-year-old chain-smoking divorcee named Babs to sit nearby and drink beer, Wii Bowling gets a lot more realistic.

   The really great thing about working in the concert business is there is absolutely no way to prove that the weed smell is coming from me.

   If you're going to stalk me at least notice when I'm running low on toilet paper & change the roll.

   To be or not to be is the question? Bull s**t I choose to be who, what, and how I want to be. Not to be what everybody else wants or expects me to be

   Dear neighborhood prowler. You are playing a dangerous game. This is Texas. We all have g0ddam arsenals.

   Sometimes all it takes is a Bud Light at sunset to make me question my atheism.

   Ladies, before you moisturize your elbows, know that I've never heard 2 guys, "How were her elbows?" "Oh, they was moist."

   I washed the car with my son today. Worst.sponge.EVER.

   The ultimate test for a relationship is having arguments and still being able to have amazing sex.

   Watched the show Ax men for the first time today, and was shocked when it wasn't about black men.