Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Cops came to my house, accusing my dog of chasing a guy in his Mustang ... I told the cops my dog wouldn't be caught dead driving a Ford

   Yesterday a Dwarf Psychic escaped from jail, Police are on the lookout for a small medium at large

   dupa blada

   I think I have alzheimer's

   I heard it's no bread, no head. Well ladies, I just picked a loaf up!

   The way Hollywood actors are these days, Charles Manson may have simply been ahead of his time.

   If Charles Manson doesn’t bust hell wide open I don’t know who will.

   I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three. –me on house hunters

   Neil Diamond's real name is... Neil Diamond. Grace Slick's real name is... Grace Slick. Engelbert Humperdinck's real name is... Arnold Dorsey. I think about this a lot.

   If cats could text you back they wouldn't.

   Me wearing Nike shorts is kind of like a minivan with racing stripes.

   I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years

   I'm on a new diet where I eat nothing but wildebeest meat. It's called Gnutrisystem.

   I honestly don't care what color the Mermaid is. It's all gonna smell like fish either way.

   A Facebook friend posted a photo of her and her sisters. I asked her if it was a Weight Watchers meeting....... Apparently we're no longer friends.

   If you pay $5 a beer at the bar shut yo ass up about gas prices

   My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergarden.

   Zuckerberg says Fact Checkers are the problem. Fact Checkers say that's False.

   Girlfriend asked me if I seen the dog bowl. I said no but that would be very interesting.

   Today France's defense will try to last 90 minutes and beat their World War II record... not looking good.....