Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you're having difficulty getting anything done, it's usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.

   ive been seeing this girl in my building for about 2 weeks,but its over now she caught me and threatened to call the cops.

   It's not the fall off a tall building that kills you. It's the sudden stop.

   Carrying that fake $20,000 ass is gonna get you nowhere. Literally.

   When the police shut down the town brothel. There was a sign that read, beat it, this brothel is closed.

   I'm not saying I'm out of shape, but following a brisk hike down the stairs to the fridge I just sweated out Vince Vaughn holding a bottle of bourbon.

   Some have so big egos that they probably get off in front of a mirror

   Was just about to pump iron but then I thought, "Does a rose need to wear perfume?"

   Dear Zombies, I'm ready for you because planning for your attack beats applying for jobs. Sincerely, Can Zombie Slayer Go On A Resume?

   ok but i'm out of cialis so you have to wear the boba fett mask

   to love or not to love....theres no question :-)

   wondering what a "PANG of DISAPPOINTMENT" is....

   got a call from Cupid asking me where I'd like him to fire his arrow on my date tonight! I said nowhere as I can't afford her to deflate!

   "my, aren't you looking floppy today" is not an effective greeting, unless you want them to wonder why they look floppy for days to come

   politicians need those burn-proof suits like NASCAR drivers wear....liar liar pants are on fire

   Getting in an argument with women is like being arrested because anything you say can and will be used against you.

   Most of us will spend part of our life having Larry King for a stepfather.

   I don't like to use my gun unless it's an accident.

   Really tired of resting the whole day.

   Optimists can see the world the way it can become. So, pessimists will never change the world, only optimists can.