Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Loving me so much , I'm just going to "like" my own status .

   I hope I never get renal failure. I've really come to enjoy having a functioning renus.

   Surround yourself only by people who are going to lift you higher!

   Gum: The real key to popularity. ;)

   Thinks womens heads, as the hardest thing known to man, should be studied, to make new bullet proof vest and armor for our tropps.

   Snooki plans to have a baby!.......... WHAT?? What did you say Kanye? "Beyonce's own was better!!!"

   ʎdɐɹǝɥʇ uoısɹǝʌuı ʎɯ ɯoɹɟ sʇɔǝɟɟǝ ǝpıs buıɹǝɟɟns ɯɐ ı ʞuıɥʇ ı

   Aren't those youngsters nice, they turn up their "music" so we can listen to it too!

   Gas has become so expensive, I have stopped taking Tums...every little helps you know:)

   I didnt think there was a winner at the game of fetch until I threw the ball and it bounced off the wall and hit me in my face giving me a bloody nose AND black eye... guess the wall won this round

   Google is only 12 years old and knows even more than me.

   I hate it when people get distracted while they are talking...oooh, look, a butterfly

   Hey girl, did it hurt when you fell from heaven after Lucifer's rebellion?

   I hate that awkad moment when a dumb b!tch likes a Facebook page called "I Hate Dumb B!tches."

   dear porche driver who pulled out infront at the last minute so I had to slam on the brakes dont forget next time il hit you and it will cost your more money to fix your car than mine

   I have this medical condition that makes me pee in a hot tub as soon as I get in it.

   BIRTH: It goes in like a banana and comes out like a pineapple.

   Hah! Got my inflatable Santa Jesus up before you this year, Henderson. SUCK IT, CHRISTMAS LOSER!!!

   Pro tip: Buy Halloween candy today. It's on sale and you get to eat it all!

   Yes! Lets recount exactly how Donald Trump won!!!!