Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   BREAKING: Jimmy Hoffa found buried with Corey Feldman's career. Location: Unknown.

   Wikileaks just released El Chapo's Email too

   If you love a socialite set them free, if they come back to you be careful as they might have been Coronavirus.

   Let's practice for the future: I'll trade you 2 rolls of toilet paper for a cup of sugar, a cup of flour and we switch places in this ridiculously long line.

   if life was real, how come you’ve never seen your neighbours bring in their groceries??

   This $600 causing problems already. My cousin drove by here real slow. And I only owe him $8...tf

   Super Bowl parties are great! (If you aren't into football.) I'm into football, so no thanks.

   [first day as a bartender] *garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*

   It's that time of the year when stores play that rapey "Baby It's Cold Outside" song

   Me: I wish for my dog to live as long as me! Genie: Your wish is granted. You will now die in ten years. Me: Awesome! Way better than what I originally meant.

   Can't believe Gronk didn't wait until 6/9 to retire!

   Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy

   I think I'm all done reading Facebook. Any recommendations what to read next?

   For an 84 year old Chuck Grassley sure can exit a room quickly.

   I just wonder when they are going to post the videos of the new teen challenge "blow off your left leg challenge" or the new "decapitate yourself challenge"

   The Super Bowl won't be the same without Glenn Frey or Brad Delp...

   Being a human cannibal is the only job where you can be fired evey day and still keep your job :)

   Caroline Sunshine went from one mickey mouse organiation to another one.

   National Running Day was a success. Ran to the fridge then back to the couch. Whew! I'm exhausted.

   Somewhere over the rainbow photoshop lies.