Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don't think I could ever stab someone. I can barely get the straw in the Capri Sun.

   In addition to Casual Friday, I propose the following: Punch A Coworker Monday, No Pants Tuesday, Drunk At Work Wednesday, and Call In Sick Thursday.

   Someone once said that I should always treat other people how I would like to be treated. Now I'm facing sexual harassment charges.

   joined a nudist colony last week........the first few days were the hardest!

   Do you ever notice that when you are ignoring a phone call, the phone seems to ring longer than usual

   My neighbors complained that I never mow my lawn. So I started mowing. The cops showed up at 3 a.m.. These neighbors are never happy...

   • Thank you Facebook for reconnecting me with the people I ignored in High School

   Spiders: Nature's little reminder that you can still scream like a little girl.

   My heart is in a relationship, but I am single - It's complicated.

   Kudos on the shaved balls, but try longer gym shorts next time….

   I don't know what's worse. Guys who refer to girls as b*tches, or the girls who actually respond to it.

   that 'aquard' moment when you cant spell "awkward"...

   Swearing: because sometimes "golly gee" and "meany" just don't cut it.

   I wish somebody would invent a Slim Fast beer.

   I think that the Goo Goo Dolls & Lady Gaga should go on tour together...the Goo Goo Gaga Tour!!

   You'd think that after all these years of practice I'd be good at waking up by now.

   Some things are so awkward to say, but so easy to text message.

   Lazy rule #35: If you spill some water, it will eventually dry.

   I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks.So if you're swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!

   Hey, don't wear skinny jeans if you have a big head. You look like a Pez dispenser.