Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.

   thinks that if you post an album titled "WeDdInG PhoToS", you are probably too young to be married.

   When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

   Anyone who says laughter is the best medicine has never had morphine.

   If I had a kid at 16 I'd get my A$$ whooped, not a TV show.

   My mirror and my camera have two completely different ideas of what I look like.

   FACT: The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first Hockey Helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important. Ladies.....Quit Laughing.

   If all men are the same, why do women take so long to choose one ?

   I hate it when someone I don't like says something funny.

   Ladies: Please dress how you would like to be approached and talked to. Don't dress like a hoe and expect to be treated like a Queen.

   Now that Bin Laden is dead, can I finally bring shampoo on a plane?

   Don't you just love it when someone owes you money and posts that they just bought some luxury item for themselves.

   I hate it when I buy a hamster at the pet store, and it grows huge, becomes a rapper and steals my KIA...

   Someone could get rich opening a business that untangles Christmas lights. Grrr....

   I bet more people would call the Gambling Addicts Helpline if they made every 5th caller a winner.

   My son just spoke his first words to me: 'Dad, where the f**k have you been the last 20 years?!' It was so cute.

   Nicki Minaj looks like an unlocked character that you get on the last level of Mortal Kombat.

   Why do porn sites have a Google+ option? I don't want my friends knowing I use Google+

   I would like to remind everyone it's not the size of the boat... Or the motion of the ocean, but the whether the boat is able to stay in port until all passangers have gotten off.

   Let's all watch a bunch of millionaires give each other gold trophies