Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I identify as a Non-Bidenary. My pronouns are FJB/lets go Brandon.

   All the landmarks and millions of beautiful places on Google Earth, and the first thing everyone looks at is their own house.

   : Snowwhite sleeps with 7 men, Tarzan is half naked, Cinderella comes home after midnight, Pinocchio always lies, Aladin is the king of thieves, Batman drives 200 mph, That's what they teach us as kids... no wonder we f*ck up sometimes....

   dont you hate it when your busy everyone texts you but when your not, no one does....its like they know...

   Statistically, 132% of all people exaggerate....

   What do you say when an atheist sneezes...?

   My new girlfriend said a small d*ck shouldn't be a problem as long as we truly love each other. This was right before she showed it to me.

   When my kids grow up, I'm going to their house to break their stuff, eat all their food, make a huge mess, say I'm bored & then just leave!

   Can someone get Seal Team Six some round trip tickets to North Korea?

   Some days I think Forrest had the right idea when he dropped everything and just kept running.

   In alcohol’s defense, i've done some pretty dumb shít while completely sober too.

   My boss yelled at me yesterday "It's the fifth time you've been late to work this week! Do you know what that means?!" I said, "Probably that it's Friday?"…

   Karen on Facebook says… "Going to the dentist now. Hate having things put in my mouth!!! :(" That's probably why your husband left, Karen.

   Satan came to me in a dream and asked if I was afraid. I said, "Hell no, I married your sister, didn't I?"

   You're so annoying you should just wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry."

   How come people who think they know everything never seem to know when to shut up?

   Attention Walmart shoppers... If you where on the bottom of the pyramid at cheer leading practice, you should not be wearing yoga pants. Thank You.

   We would have discovered the cure for cancer by now if we rewarded, recognized and respected our scientists just as much as we do our sportsmen and celebrities.

   The coolest thing about being a dog must be the ability to use your own ass for a pillow.

   I'm gonna start driving my car on bike paths, it's only fair.