Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   No status avalible, damaged brain cells need time to be restored due to the excessive amount of holiday drinking

   Im not crazy, my reality is just different then yours. :)

   Come on ppl what a bad start to the new year pull ur socks up and get funny already

   My mother never understood the irony in calling me a ”son-of-a-b!tch.”

   It's 2011, you think we would have toothpaste the doesn't ruin orange juice by now.

   Scientists remain baffled over the reason why thousands of birds fell from the sky in an apparent mass suicide....... And in other news, Rosie O'donnell was seen hang-gilding naked over Arkansas.... Film at 11.......

   Does anyone find themselves singing hollaback girl anytime they need to spell the word bananas?

   Ask: "Do you know what winks and screws like a tiger?" (No.) Wink.

   baby showers are ridiculas you have un protected sex and now I gota buy you a gift? Ive been having unprotected sex for years all I ever got was hurt feelings

   When an old lady pokes you at a wedding and says "you're next"....just do the same to them at a funeral.

   Hey Lady gaga! Madonna called, she wants her style back.

   I'm sitting on my couch and updating this status from my cell phone just so my friends think I leave my house occasionally

   Easy explanation for dead birds falling from sky...they keep hitting Wonder Woman's invisible jet.

   WTF....Its rains cats and dogs and now birds! But not one single cougar or beaver!!!

   Thank You Rich Rod for an Amazing 3 Years, your time has been greatly appreciated! - The Rest of the Big Ten

   in a relationship with the Craigslist Killer and it complicated!

   I don't need to watch "Desperate Housewives". I have Face book !

   With all these birds falling out the sky, I won't be eating Chinese anytime soon....

   There needs to be free birth control handed out at welfare offices...agreed??

   500 birds fell out of sky in Louisiana too? OK that's it, something crazy is going on. Where's Fox Mulder when you need him?