Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   and my excuse to drink today....."Its Groundhog Day!"

   The handicap parking at the special olympics must be insane

   I need a new assistant for my knife-throwing act. Also need a large rug and a gallon of bleach.

   Don't bite the hand that feeds. In fact, don't bite anyone's hand you weirdo.

   Saw the pictures of the Hooters girls who were fired due to weight discrimination? Now I'm in the mood for Wings, Muffin Tops & Camel Toes

   Anyone who thinks Megan Fox is the hottest thing ever has obviously never left Pizza Rolls in too long.

   Jimmy cracked cocaine, and suddenly everyone cared.

   I got locked outta my car @ WalMart so I start to pry it open w/ a hanger. then some idiot asks LOCKED OUT OF UR CAR? no.. just washed it & hangin it out to dry

   Free range chicken is better. The false illusion of freedom before slaughter makes them extra tender.

   Perhaps when facebook goes public, they'll be able to afford servers that don't remind me of the unreliable one's who work the graveyard shift at Denny's.

   believe it, first Kiss is MORE memorable than losing virginity...

   Q( - _-)_____¦__o___Q(-_ - ) *Asian ping pong match*

   Cape Town: The world's largest Superhero Retirement community.

   When a deaf person sees me yawn, do they think I'm screaming?

   World class egyptian soccer fans world class..

   The ground hog in my back yard never seen his shadow...but he had an erection what does that mean...

   alright dudes. we cant be playing with a girls heart, its the only one she has. play with her boobs, she has two of those :)

   My laziness is epitomized by how many files I've names as "hekakdbfkfl"

   Happy Groundhog Day! I hope this day dont repeat itself!

   Walmart is like a free roaming zoo for humans everytime I go I see creatures even the discovery channel hasn't witnessed.