Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   All of a sudden I love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.

   So I brought like 19 goldfish to a 'Cash for Gold' store and they wouldn't even pay me a dollar. Not even a dollar! THIS IS BULLSHIIT!!!

   If you want to feel special, I have no problem handing you a helmet and a box of crayons.

   The last time I had surgery the Red Cross had to team up with Grey Goose to match my blood type.

   There comes a time in the day when no matter what the question the answer is booze.

   Why is it when I'm on my lunch break my wall is hella quiet. Then from 12:30 to 3:30 all sorts of drama happens...jerks, I wanna be in the loop!

   Fake people wish you the best... as long as it benefits them. I call em' PENNIES... twofaced and worthless

   i can show my love to her everyday <3 valentines day is just another day :-)

   MONEY: can buy a house, but not a HOME. can buy a clock, but not TIME. can buy sex, but not LOVE. So pass me all ur $ n let me suffer 4 U

   Newly divorced woman explaining reason for splitting: We had religious differences - he thought he was God, I didn't.

   You can wake someone who is sleeping but you can't wake up someone pretending to sleep.

   StubHub should really be a place where single amputees meet.

   I should run for political office just to see what kind of scandalous dirt they dig up. It would be nice to piece together my twenties.

   If you have ever used one of those Hand Dryers in a bathroom, congratulations...you just did a portion of the Macarena.

   I'm glad my job isn't standing on the corner, spinning a sign, dressed up like the Statue of Liberty, while drivers make the jerk-off sign

   Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.

   Happy Friday dance ‎(((( ( • why • ) )))) shake'em

   Valentines Day is so fake. If you love a girl you'll treat her special every day. Not once out of 365 days!

   I only watch the Super Bowl for the commercials and the tight ends.

   Just know that whenever your feeling down, I'll be there to feel you up!