Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Ladies: A good man can make you feel sexy, strong and able to take on the world...oh sorry thats wine...wine does that.

   Whenever I take a shower with a girl I pee on her leg to mark my territory.

   Was just at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.

   Marilyn Monroe was blessed with the gift of being the most ferocious slut of her generation, remember lasdies...don't waste that special gift!

   Whitney Houston: Born 1963 - Dead Amy Winehouse: Born 1983 - Dead Keith Richards: Born 1943 - Alive Ozzy Osbourne: Born 1948 - Alive. Moral of the story: Women can't handle their drugs

   We are all born sexual creatures; it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift. ~ Marilyn Monroe

   The best part about waking up Sunday morning is knowing that sex can be more than a quickie and you can sip your coffee instead of gulping it.

   VH1 is playing all Whitney videos right now. I forgot about some of these song. Then again, I forgot what a video was

   Ladies: If I hit on you please don't panic, I am a bachelor and that's what bachelors do.

   I mean, we all grieve in our own ways. She chose to listen to The Bodyguard soundtrack all night. I chose $1,100 worth of lap dances.

   OMG I just heard Whitney Huston died? better start looking for my earplugs

   Those Valentine's Day displays at the entrance of every store are like surprise parties for your loneliness.

   If Taco Bell really did "Think outside the bun," they would add margaritas to their menus, and replace hot sauce packets with Pepto Bismol.

   Can't remember anything after about 9pm last night, but given that I just found my comb in the peanut butter jar, I don't think I want to.

   Saw a baby holding a silly green cellphone rattle, fat colorful plastic keys and a KEEP MOVIN' shirt. Take the hint baby, grow up & get out.

   Thought an owl threw up in my bed but no apparently I ate half a granola bar in my sleep.

   No one believes me when I tell them the music they listen to is bad.

   I'm writing a play about agoraphobic jazz musicians and calling it "Indoor Cats."

   Just sitting here thinking. We don't need more religion, we have plenty. What we need are more Christians, living a Christ like life!

   a new hobby!! I go to the “One Million Mom's” FB page just to post that I'm going to JCPenny!