Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Spike the football, hang on the goal post, hump the wind, do the funky chicken, get in ur opponents face & gloat but for God's sake don't pray on a football field, that;s inappropriate. I say do ur thang Tebow. Maybe the Colts need to do a little Tebowing

   ATM information is getting stolen at self check outs. I'm going back to the green stuff... it helps me relax and forget the news.

   Santa only gives my kids undies and socks. All the cool stuff comes from dad. They don't like Santa much.

   2011- :( 1800- The muscles of my mouth are set downwards in an unamused manner.

   How can everyone have the "best gf/bf in the world" on Facebook? I'm pretty sure someone is lieing

   y r men thinkers and women talkers? because men have two heads and women have four lips.

   Saw a baby shirt that said, "Sh!t my pants, took a nap and sucked on some titties...how was your day?"

   a jealous woman does better research than the FBI

   ♪ ♫ ♩♩ ♬ Fiiiiiiiiiiiiive Drama Queeeens, 4 friend requests, 3 I ignore, 2 annoying pokes and ME in need of happy hour!

   When you can't find the remote, all trust is gone. Me: "Have you seen the remote?" Sis: "No??" Me: "Stand the f*ck up!!"

   ♪ ♫ ♩♩ ♬ On the 12th Day of Christmas my Facebook gave to me, 12 relatives I'm blocking, 11 friends just watching, 10 corny updates, 9 "in relationship to single, 8 friends complaining, 7 stalkers stalking, 6 party invites

   Dear people who dont rate a joke after it makes them laugh, F*ck you!! >:p

   Every day you are seen is better than the day you are viewed.

   Facebook reminds me daily how moving out of my hometown was a great idea

   You've got bad eating habits if you use a grocery cart in 7-Eleven.

   Sometimes, I throw clean clothes in the hamper because I'm too lazy to fold them.

   it weird that we eat dead things to stay alive?

   Remember when people use to say "duh, you owe me one"........What heck was the "one" you owe?

   Fox News is the conservative Republican version of Josef Goebbels' Ministry of Propaganda, with more rhetoric.

   F*** procrastiation. Now I'm going to fail my finals....