Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Players are like the letter Q : A big zero with a small little tail....

   We're all in the same game, just different levels. Dealing with the same hell, just different devils.

   if you put pictures of lost kids on Beer Cans instead of Milk Cartons we'd find them in about 15 minutes

   Really!!! Kim Kardashian is upset with the Casey Anthony verdict!!! Your father defended OJ Simpson, Thus starting the Kardashian tradition of getting black men off!!!

   We should sentence Casey Anthony to 4 years of watching Tyler Perry movies.

   I hate when cashiers ask you if that's everything. Oh no, I'd also like all this invisible sh!t.

   It must really suck to be a podium salesman. "Are your arms tired out from holding five pieces of paper?" You need a podium!

   Disclaimer: I'm really bad at judging what size Tupperware container leftovers will fit in.

   The OJ trial started the Kardashian tradition of getting black guys off

   My refrigerator is like a condiment time capsule.

   I am starving, but not "get up out of the floor of the shower and make some food" starving.

   Wishing my dog had a snooze button!!

   Why won't the bank give me my cash in bags with dollar signs on them?.. That'd be cool."

   Next time send the navy seals after Casey, not the Orange county sheriff

   "Use As Directed" is just a personal challenge to my creativity.

   I'm looking forward to the day when Jesus points to me, and turns to our Father and says, "This one is mine!"

   The next time you feel the need to post a picture of yourself holding a phone in a mirror, don't. The word tool first comes to mind.

   Thunderstorm knocked out my power so to pass the time, I'm sticking sharp metal objects into the wall outlets and hoping the power doesn't come back on.

   “Hey, it's been 6 seconds. Check your phone again.” (my brain)

   When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane...