Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Girls just want to have funds!

   thinks that there is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness".

   .Neighbors get really angry when they catch you on their roof adjusting their satellite dish.

   When I play a fighting game, I press random buttons and hope for the best.

   Naps are for old people. I was taking a horizontal life pause. :)

   I don't have friends, I have acquaintances and parasites.

   You sit quietly under a needle for hours getting a tattoo but if I touch you with my ice cold feet you let out a bloodcurdling scream.

   My drunk neighbor says he was attacked by a big bat last night but I was actually using a golf club.

   ‎"If you're building a time machine, Take your time. what's the rush?"

   To all of you who posted your lotto numbers: I copied them and played them too. If you win, I win. And I get half. Think of it as a pre-emptive divorce.

   People who describe things as "better than sex" are obviously having the wrong kind of sex.

   For those of you concerned about my upcoming birthday and struggling for ideas as to what to get me this year, I have registered for gifts at the liquor store…

   Just spilled Whiskey all over my insides!

   I'm not shy. I just don't like to talk when I have nothing meaningful to say.

   TWILIGHT - Breaking Dawn Part 1: how can a guy that is basically dead get a woman pregnant? when he turned into a vampire shouldn't his sperm turn to dust like Hugh Hefner?

   The Trix commercials just teach kids that sharing is bad.

   "You see your family whole year, holidays are for your bartender !!" - Moe Syzlak

   I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.

   The older I get, the more the term 'douchebag' applies to everyone younger than me.

   I think it's really strange how some people talk to their animals, give them personalities and make up voices for them. My dog, Steve, agrees with me.