Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   decided to go barefoot, because i'm always thinking outside the socks

   No matter how little I do in a day....I always feel like I could have done less.

   thinks the “8″ in “Kate Plus 8″ refers to the remaining viewers.

   I'll be spending most of today putting Santa hats on all my Halloween decorations.

   Honk if you love peace and quiet.

   Why is it that car commercials know which old songs were good but oldies radio stations don't?

   They say you always want what you can't have. Well I just had another beer and proved that theory to be incorrect.

   says change your birthday on facebook to todays date, and see how many of your "friends" are totally clueless

   This Wiki Leaks is getting out of control -- They just leaked Santa's christmas list.

   some days I wake up all ready to take on the world!! Today is NOT one of those days

   Spell procrastination : F.A.C.E.B.O.O.K.

   I have decided to follow my dreams.....starting with that one where I am naked at work.

   you cant drink all day if you dont start in the morning

   Unite this Cinco de Mayo to keep sharpies out of the hands of young mexican girls' hands. Feel comfortable in your natural eyebrows ladies.

   Just because we have the same last name doesn't mean we have to be Facebook friends, Grandpa...

   I've got ADD and OCD so that means I've got something new to obsess about every 5 seconds.

   watching Man vs. Food and wonders how many more food challenges can this guy take before he has a massive heart attack?

   True love is me texting you back before I die on call of duty instead of after

   Now over to world news: Good evening, the UN declared that they will be sending relief aid to Haiti in hopes that the victims of the...Oh..hang on.. this just coming in on the news wire..Lindsay Lohan was taken into custody today for probation violation..

   going to name her next pet Peeve.