Drunk people Funny Status Messages

   Pro Tip: Wear two eye patches,, so people know you're serious about being a pirate.

   I bought a smart phone today. And it came with unlimited 'Staring at your phone to avoid contact with other people' minutes.

   People that say "money doesn't buy happiness" obviously have never been divorced.

   Today is 4/20, or as the people of Colorado call it, Saturday.

   Recent statistics show that 5 out of 6 people enjoy Russian Roulette

   Lucky for you there seems to be no shortage of people willing to settle for less than they deserve.

   Who's this "moderation" people keep telling me to drink with?

   Politicians are the only people in the world who create problems and then campaign against them.

   Definition of pointless: Jobless people on Facebook updating their status to 'thank God it's the weekend'

   might invent a new beer, call it "Occasionally". When people ask if I drink, I can say 'I drink Occasionally' this way they won't think i'm an alcoholic.

   I don't know why some people are so irresponsible when it comes to paying bills. I mean like, I shouldn't be getting logged off the internet on my laptop just because my neighbor was late on paying his internet service... SMH..

   Wouldn’t it be great if people could only get AIDS from being a Politician who screws with the economy and causes a Government Shutdown?

   Note to self: I think we should see other people.

   Some people are as useless as the second window at McDonald's.

   Had a most interesting conversation this weekend with Jet Li and Conan O'Brian during a private flight back from Morocco about how pathetic it is when average people get on Facebook & pretend that their lives are far more exciting than they actually are.

   Do you enjoy interacting with people?" "Nope" "Great, you're hired!" - DMV interview process

   Shout out to old people for graduating high school without Google.

   The people that doubt you are usually the ones that know you can succeed.

   1:00 in the afternoon and no one is on xbox live? What do people have to do this early in the morning that's sooo important you can't play call of duty?

   Whoever convinces blind people that they need sunglasses,, is one heck of a salesman....