Drunk people Funny Status Messages

   When they discover the center of the universe, some people will be very disappointed when they find out it's not them.

   just read that burglars use Facebook to find out when people aren't home... so from now on, i'm at home, with a knife, and a hungry alligator (:

   I like to walk around the fair with a giant stuffed animal I brought from home, ‘cause I need people to think I'm a winner.

   Nothing brings 2 people together faster than the hatred of a 3rd person

   If you put root beer in a square cup, do you get beer?......................... (you smart people grinned didn't you.)

   I hate it when people repost statuses. By the way, I'm gathering rocks to throw at you.

   The biggest mistake I have made in my life is letting people stay in my life far longer than they deserve..

   The government did not write the constitution to give rights to the people. The people wrote the constitution to limit the government's power.

   Why do people with bad breath always have to tell me secrets???

   Time to photoshop my life Touch up the edges, adjust the tones,blur out the background, focus on me, and crop people out...

   1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mom or my dad Maybe my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.

   I just can't stop thinking of all the people who signed my yearbooks that I have let down by failing to "stay cool"

   Why do people in movies keep all their lights off when they hear a noise? I’d be lighting that place up like friggin’ Times Square.

   I hate it when people are holding a device capable of using google and they ask me stupid questions.

   Some people just need a hug... around their neck... with a rope.

   Astronauts are the only people who followed through on what they wanted to be when they grew up.

   Some people get so upset when you delete them from your fb friends list. What is the big deal it's not like we're real friends and hang out everyday.

   My motto is "Never say never." Which makes it difficult to tell people my motto...

   Jogging is too much work, walking is too slow, I'm gonna take up skipping. When people see me coming down the sidewalk, I'm pretty sure they'll make an extra effort to move out of the way.

   Why do people ask "What were you thinking?" OBVIOUSLY, I thought I was going to get AWAY with it!