Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dear Mr. guy that honks his horn right when the light turns green, it's not gonna work so well when I rip it out and shove it down your throat!

   - My wife said she is going to leave me if I dont stop my bad habbits. I nearly choked on my toe nail.

   There are no winners in Monopoly... only quitters and cheaters.

   Telling my nephew that leprechauns store their gold in electrical sockets and that he'd need a fork to get it out probably wasn't a good idea.

   I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll have sex with me

   My Girlfriend told me to help her find a job that shows off her best qualities. I got her an application for Subway.

   What if firemen acted like policemen and just drove around shooting water at anyone who looked like they might catch on fire?

   "Is that your dog?".... "No, actually she's adopted... We were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves"

   Dear New User; Facebook is a revolutionary platform. Don't bring your Twitter tendencies here. Here you are either funny and witty or you go back to Twitter.

   Christmas trees are like boobs. Fake ones are nice to look at, but real ones are better.

   Ladies; Never die a virgin, apparently when you get to heaven they make you shag a suicide bomber.

   People in relationships are usually okay with cold weather because they can cuddle but lonely people are like fml it's cold.

   Pitbull's videos = 10% music, 90% porn, 0% hair

   My personal workout routine would include jumping to conclusions, pushing my luck & carrying too much weight on my shoulders.

   makes a mean cup of coffee! This one just told me I'm not as funny as I think I am.

   I’m just glad it’s almost Friday! It’s almost Friday, right? Well, it’s close to Friday. It’s never going to be Friday is it?

   Sorry, but I prefer the 8lb, 6 oz prince who wrote "When Doves Cry."

   The Pentagon is changing the nuclear codes to over 140 characters. So Trump can’t tweet it.

   What's the difference between a druggist and a drug dealer? One sells drugs LEGALLY. What's the difference between an immigrant who came to the US lawfully, and one who snuck in? One's here LEGALLY. See?

   We are building a fence and I'm gonna make my neighbors pay for it.