Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   the last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still technically on the list.

   Japanese has so many characters, their alphabet soup comes in two separate cans.

   If you don`t like something, change it. If you can`t change it, change your attitude. Don`t complain...

   I may not be the best, but I'm definitely not like the rest!

   I still make the "Jerk~off" motion when someone is talking WAY too long & looks away from me!

   I need some attention today. Can't decide if I should go with the, "why does this always happen to me" status, or a line from an Adele song.

   Life can take you anywhere. And here we are.

   Some people think the world absolutely revolves around them. Not once have they asked how my day is going

   Is marshmallow a vegetable or a fruit?

   some people just gotta have that daily dose of drama

   I'm great in bed, I can sleep for days!

   I would say that one day you'll be working for me, but I don't have any intention on running a strip club.

   According to research, sex during pregnancy is always safe, unless your wife comes home and catches you.

   OSHA. Article 260.17 States: All Turds over 6" Long shall be Hand lowered to prevent Chemical Splashback. ......On the Door of a Port-O-John.. LMAO!

   Forget flying cars... I want Futurama's complex system of air tubes that take us everywhere....Weeeee !

   I get carried away sometimes... Usually because I refuse to leave.

   People who complain about the way the ball bounces probably dropped it.

   Men do what they want and skip the rest. They're straightforward. If he doesn't call, he doesn't want to talk. If he calls, he's horny.

   Never judge a book by it's cover. The old, wrinkly ones are often the best.

   the glass half full or half empty? Mine is cracked and leaking valuable water.