Drunk people Funny Status Messages

   Listen here, people trying to figure out a "healthy snack" to give to trick or treaters. You cut that s*** out *right* now.

   I hate people who tell me to calm down when I am not even pi$$ed.

   "Ok just so I'm clear on this - this dog can bark for 11 hrs straight & only poops in other people's yards? I'll take it!" - my neighbor

   Socialism works so well, people build boats from trash to escape it.

   I don't know why people say something is better if you work for it. Personally, I love being handed awesome sh*t through no effort of my own.

   You are the birthday card with no money in it of people.

   An anniversary is a day that commemorates or celebrates a past event that occurred on the SAME DATE of the YEAR as the initial event. Some people tend to think 1 month is an anniversary. You're welcome.

   If I had a dollar for every time I had no idea what was going on, I'd be asking people why they were giving me dollars.

   I get really uncmfortable when people ask embarrasing questions about sex. Like:"Is that it?"

   I ask Google the questions I'm too scared to ask other people.

   You know you've made wonderful choices in life when you're proud of yourself for not being drunk before lunch.

   When I get real, real bored I like to go downtown and get a good parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.

   More people chose to be religious more from their fear of hell than their love of their faith.

   Religious people on being born g@y: "There's no scientific proof!" Religious people on religion: "We don't need scientific proof!"

   All these people ready to vote for a runner up from 6 years ago that could not handle her last job....

   People who don't like bacon can never be trusted.

   Sober me will always have your back….Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn f*cking a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.

   97% of people would scream if they saw justin bieber about to jump of a sky scraper 3% would sit in a chair with popcorn and yell "do a flip"

   "I wasn't that Drunk.." "Dude, you threw a bird at the police and screamed go angry bird kill those pigs!"

   Thinks people get mad when you don't use korrect grammar and spelin, because they can't just copy/paste it to thier Facebook. Sorry you had to add a comma, it must be such an inconvenience.