Drunk people Funny Status Messages

   Some people say I'm random. But who cares, chocolate is amazing.

   If people winked in real life as much as they wink in texts, the world would be an extremely creepy place.

   My daughter asked me to help her with her math homework so I had to sit her down and explain that people with big boobs don't need to do math

   Was going to complain about the people downstairs having loud s*x, but they finished before I could type this status, I think premature ejaculation is probably punishment enough

   People who are meant to be together always find their way in the end.

   When the hell did I get drunk and married to Google? I can barely get a word out now before it tries to finish my sentence...

   I love Swamp people...."choot em, hurry choot em"

   I can only assume the next 4 weeks are incredibly difficult for people who's grandmother's were actually run over by reindeer. ..

   A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.

   Welcome to Facebook! Where liars tell more lies, enemies are Facebook friends, weak people turn into Facebook gangsters, haters complain about haters and every person who talks about money ain't got none.

   Before I get to my status update I just wanted to say I really can't stand people who think they are so perfect. The world doesn't revolve around you! Now on to my status, I can't believe how awesome I am. Who knew somebody could be so perfect!

   Don't you wish people could be like money? So you could hold them up to the sun and see which ones are fake and which are real?

   If they shut down facebook, people would be roaming the streets in tears , shoving pictures of themselves in other people's faces yelling "DO YOU LIKE THIS?! DO YOU?!".

   When I see people outside, smoking in freezing temperatures, it makes me wonder what else I can get them to do.

   I see dead people.......a lot easier since I started using my Bushnell 3200 Tactical Elite rifle scope.

   Guns don't kill people. Fathers with pretty daughters do.

   I want to live my life like a fly, pester as many people and get into as much sh!t as possible before I die.

   ok its almost March....all the people that joined my gym in January for their new years resolution can stop now, I'm tired of waiting to use machines

   My doctor drums up business by refusing to refill my prescriptions until I come in to sit in their waiting room full of people with the flu.

   When they eventually find the center of the Universe, a lot of people will be surprised to find out it's NOT them...